Mainstream Canada announced today the creation of a genetically enhanced “supersalmon” that the company predicts will double production at its industrial salmon feedlots worldwide, and not incidentally stanch the company’s haemorrhaging financial losses in recent quarters. The announcement was timed to coincide with release of the Cohen Commission Report.
The supersalmon is also expected to address many inconvenient environmental issues that critics point to about salmon farms. For instance, instead of the usual high-protein feed of anchovy and Southern Ocean krill, leading to a huge net loss of food protein, the new supersalmon will be raised largely on a diet of deep-fried food and British lager, both in plentiful supply.
“Under this new diet regime, the fish also tend to be chronically constipated,” said Mainstream scientist Cam Promized. “This has the double benefit of quicker weight gain and reducing the thousands of tonnes of raw fish sewage discharged into the ocean under every open net-cage salmon feedlot.”
In addition, said Mainstream genetic researcher Saul Dowt, the skin has been “custom designed” with mottled brown spots. “This makes it harder to identify sea lice and other routine parasites endemic to salmon feedlots.” Parasite infection of industrial meat products is known to disgust consumers. “It’s sort of a ‘marketing camouflage,'” Dowt laughed.
Mainstream Canada spokesbot Saurie Yessman did acknowledge that the new supersalmon bears an uncanny resemblance to anti-salmon-farm crusader Don Staniford (recently sued, unsuccessfully, by that company, racking up yet another public humiliation for the salmon farming industry).** “But this will make it so much more enjoyable to confine them cruelly in small net pens all their pathetic lives,” Yessman said, gesticulating dangerously with a razor-sharp fish knife, “and then to cut their guts out.”
** UPDATE: Mainstream’s appeal was upheld in July 2013 in a judgement against Staniford, and a sorry subjugation of citizens’ right to free speech. It’s the new corporate way : If they can’t win with spin in the public sphere, they sue. Shame on you, Mainstream Canada!